Weekend Away-Transcript

LIONEL: I’ll do this.

JEAN: I’ll do this.

LIONEL: I said I’ll do it.

JEAN: I said I’ll do it.

CABBIE: Look, the way I see it, is this. You keep arguing while you meter’s running, and I’ll end up taking both the fivers. Not that I’m claiming to be a philanthropist, but I would like one. Thanks very much.

JEAN: Ok, you win.

LIONEL: Not really. The fare was only three pounds.

JEAN: Ah.

1:41

JEAN: I was only trying to be fair. You paid for dinner.

LIONEL: Which was revolting.

JEAN: Well, which wasn’t wonderful, but you can’t go on paying for everything.

LIONEL: Call me old fashioned.

JEAN: Which you are.

LIONEL: Thank you.

JEAN: Look, Lionel, I run a secretarial agency. I’ve got money. I don’t expect to be treated all the time.

LIONEL: You never used to mind.

JEAN: Well, that was 38 years ago. Girls didn’t pay then.

LIONEL: But you want to now.

JEAN: Well, because I’m not a girl. And you’re not a dashing young second lieutenant. Would you like a drink?

LIONEL: Er, no, thank you. I don’t think I ever claimed to be dashing.

JEAN: No. But I thought you were.

LIONEL: I just used to show off a lot.

JEAN: Hmm! When your book’s a big success, you can wine and dine me as much as you like.

LIONEL: I thought we were talking about real life.

JEAN: We are.

LIONEL: I suppose we’d have got married.

JEAN: Well, I had hoped you’d make an honest woman out of me.

LIONEL: Oh, I intended to. Then we would have bought a house and had children.

JEAN: Well, look at it another way. We might have got divorced.

LIONEL: On what grounds?

JEAN: I don’t know.

LIONEL: Well, I think we would have stayed married.

JEAN: Yes, I do.

LIONEL: Oh, I’d better go.

JEAN: You don’t have to.

LIONEL: What do you mean?

JEAN: Well, I mean you can have a coffee or a drink or something. What do you think I meant?

JUDY: Oops! Sorry.

JEAN: Oh, Judy, do stop saying that every time you come into the room.

JUDY: I don’t. I only say it when Lionel’s here. Hello Lionel.

LIONEL: Hello, Judith. I’m just off actually.

JUDY: Oh, no, that makes me feel awful.

LIONEL: Well, you’ll only miss me for a few minutes.

JUDY: No, I mean making you go.

LIONEL: No, it’s the old man with the scythe who’s making me go. I’ve got to be up early in the morning.

JEAN: Jogging?

LIONEL: I almost wish I were. No, I’m having a working breakfast with Alistair.

JEAN: Oh, about the book?

LIONEL: Well, we’re not planning to make a coffee table.

JUDY: Oh, now you’ve gone all narky.

LIONEL: I’m sorry. It’s the thought of Alistair first thing in the morning. He’ll laugh a lot, I know he will. Anyway, I’d best be off. Goodnight Judith.

JUDY: Goodnight.

JEAN: Goodnight, Lionel.

LIONEL: Goodnight.

JUDY: Well, at least we’ve got to kissing on the cheek.

JEAN: You keeping a graph?

JUDY: Wouldn’t be much movement on it if I were. Doesn’t he ever ask you back to his place?

JEAN: No.

JUDY: Why not?

JEAN: Don’t know, perhaps he lives in a squat. Look, we’re just friends, we don’t ask each other back to each other’s places.

JUDY: So, why does he come back here, then?

JEAN: Well, he sees me home. It would look pretty silly if I saw him home, wouldn’t it? Goodnight.

JUDY: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, you’ll have the place to yourself this weekend. Not an Oop, I’m sorry to be heard.

JEAN: Where will you be?

JUDY: I’m going away for the weekend.

JEAN: Where?

JUDY: Just away.

JEAN: With anyone?

JUDY: Goodnight, mum.

4:34

COUNTER ATTENDANT: Double egg, sausage, and chips twice with a slice!

ALISTAIR: It’s something, this place, isn’t it, eh?

LIONEL: Yes, it is.

ALISTAIR: Are you sure you don’t want the fry up?

LIONEL: Incredibly sure.

ALISTAIR: I mean, just, just feel it.

LIONEL: I can see it’s bacon, Alistair. I don’t need to feel it.

ALISTAIR: I’m talking people, Li. Vibes.

LIONEL: Oh, vibes.

ALISTAIR: You’re in one of your difficult moods, aren’t you?

LIONEL: NO, I’m not actually. No, I’m just curious as to your definition of a working breakfast. All it’s entailed so far is watching you eat enough grease to lubricate the engine on the QE2.

ALISTAIR: Now, Li…

LIONEL: And, which is marginally worse, listening to you burbling on about people.

ALISTAIR: People buy books. People will buy your book. Which brings me to the working part of the breakfast, we publish in three weeks time.

LIONEL: As soon as that?

ALISTAIR: As soon as that. And I’m going to need from you, Li, is commitment with a capital K. There’ll be the launch, hype…

LIONEL: Chutzpah?

ALISTAIR: Chutzpah, yes, very good. PAs, personal appearances.

LIONEL: Where?

ALISTAIR: Who knows? It depends on how hard the team pushes. Oh, and er, signing. We target book shops. You sit. They queue. You sign.

LIONEL: Queues, for my book?

ALISTAIR: Well, at first they come from us. We load them, you see, and rely on the good old British instinct that if there’s  queue, you join it. Now wait. I’ve got a dummy.

LIONEL: You’re not going to do a ventriloquist’s act to entertain the queues, are you?

ALISTAIR: Nice one Li. No, this is a dummy. Now take a deep breath and cop the cover.

LIONEL: I knew it would be worse than I thought.

ALISTAIR: Li, it’s terif! It has impact!

LIONEL: I think it’s vaguely pornographic.

ALISTAIR: Would I lie, Li? Watch. Do I make a point?

LIONEL: You’ve also missed one. People don’t just buy books to sit and stare at the cover. They read what’s inside.

ALISTAIR: Yes, but if they pick the book up, that’s half the battle. Here, you can keep this.

LIONEL: In a plain brown wrapper presumably?

ALISTAIR: Come on, Li. Prepare to take on the world. Hmm, I must go. Now, any qualms, any probs, just bell me. Oh, but, er, not this weekend. I shall be in Paris.

LIONEL: It’s a hard life.

ALISTAIR: Well, you know what they say. All work and no play…

LIONEL: Bores Jack to death?

ALISTAIR: Mega! See you, mate. Cheers lads.

7:30

LIONEL: You can laugh if you like.

JEAN: I’m not laughing.

LIONEL: You want to though.

JEAN: No, I don’t want to.

LIONEL: You just did.

JEAN: Oh, that was only a little one.

LIONEL: You think it’s ridiculous, don’t you?

JEAN: I don’t think it’s ridiculous.

LIONEL: Ah, grotesque?

JEAN: Look, I can find my own adjective, thank you.

LIONEL: Go on, then.

JEAN: Well…

LIONEL: May I have it back please?

JEAN: Well, it’s just because I know you. I mean, you’re not the kind of man who stands around with girls hanging onto his legs.

LIONEL: Leg.

JEAN: Leg, leg then. Or are you?

LIONEL: Oh, you know very well I’m not. God, in three weeks time, every bookshop in London will be ringing with laughter.

JEAN: You don’t know that.

LIONEL: You laughed.

JEAN: You’ve become very self obsessed, you know that?

LIONEL: I’m sorry. I’m all I’ve had to be obsessed with for some time.

SANDY: Lunch up.

JEAN: Oh, thanks Sandy. Oh, now, what do you think of that?

LIONEL: She’s going to laugh.

JEAN: Now, just let her make up her own mind.

LIONEL: Well?

SANDY: Great legs.

LIONEL: Thanks.

SANDY: Hers!

LIONEL: Oh.

SANDY: You look very butch.

LIONEL: Butch?

SANDY: Yes. I like the sweaty chest.

JEAN: Yes, it was his woman got him in that state.

LIONEL: You know very well it wasn’t. You were there. That was sprayed on.

SANDY: Well, I think it’s all right. It’s, well, it’s eye catching.

LIONEL: Good god! Do you mean that Alistair’s right? Does it actually say, ‘Pick me up and buy me?’

SANDY: That may be a shade too optimistic. But it does say, ‘Pick me up and have a flick through.’

JEAN: Oh, well that’s a start.

SANDY: May I go to lunch now?

JEAN: Yes, of course.

SANDY: I shall never look at you in quite the same light again.

LIONEL: Oh!

JEAN: Don’t start walking around in that hat though, will you?

LIONEL: When I said lunch, I meant I’d take you out to a pub.

JEAN: Oh no, this is fine. I often work through lunch.

LIONEL: That’s a bit high pressure, isn’t it?

JEAN: You’re the one having the business breakfasts.

LIONEL: Alistair eats like a horse, only faster. He’s young enough to I suppose.

JEAN: Perhaps you’d let me cut your crusts off?

LIONEL: Our first breakfast together was a boiled egg.

JEAN: Oh, so it was. Funny, finding that hotel again.

LIONEL: Mmm. You lost your nerve this time.

JEAN: I did?

LIONEL: Well, I think you made your excuses before I made mine.

JEAN: Ah, yes, perhaps I did.

LIONEL: We used to dream of a weekend in Paris, didn’t we?

JEAN: Yes, we did. A little room high up with a window overlooking the roofs on Montmartre.

LIONEL: A kindly concierge who smiled on young love.

JEAN: And accordions. Always accordions.

LIONEL: We saw too many French films. Pity we never went though.

JEAN: Well, not having enough money to cross the channel was one drawback.

LIONEL: Oh, Alistair’s going to Paris this weekend.

JEAN: Oh. Business?

LIONEL: Not from the sly grin on his face, no.

JEAN: Oh!

LIONEL: What?

JEAN: Judith’s going away this weekend.

LIONEL: What, to Paris?

JEAN: She wouldn’t say.

LIONEL: I see. Well, what if they are?

JEAN: Oh, quite. What if they are? Bit dodgy, isn’t it?

LIONEL: You’ve changed your tune.

JEAN: Well, you know what I mean.

LIONEL: Judith’s not a child.

JEAN: Well, I know that.

LIONEL: She’s a lot older than you were.

JEAN: Yeah, I know that, too.

LIONEL: Well, look on the bright side. At least they won’t stay in a garret run by some mean-faced old concierge with a bloody accordion playing under the window all night.

JEAN: That wasn’t the dream.

LIONEL: It would have been the reality.

JEAN: Yes, maybe. So what do you think?

LIONEL: About Paris?

JEAN: No, about Judy and Alistair.

LIONEL: Hmm, well, not a lot really. Oh look, this is all supposition, you don’t know they’re going to Paris together. He could be taking some other…

JEAN: Other what?

LIONEL: Girl.

JEAN: You were going to say, ‘Bit of stuff’

LIONEL: No, I wasn’t. Anyway, I don’t think they call them that these days.

JEAN: Them? Them?

LIONEL: Girls.

JEAN: Did you call me your bit of stuff.

LIONEL: Of course not.

JEAN: What did you call me?

LIONEL: My bit of crackling.

JEAN: What?!

LIONEL: In a very endearing way.

JEAN: You used to call me Pooh.

LIONEL: I know I did, but you can hardly refer to a girl as, ‘My bit of Pooh,’ can you?

JEAN: No, I suppose not. You’ve got right off the subject.

LIONEL: You started it.

JEAN: Yes, I suppose I did. Oh, well, what about Judy?

LIONEL: You could be worrying about nothing at all.

JEAN: And if I’m not?

LIONEL: Well, either way, my best advice is to mind your own business.

JEAN: Yes, of course. You’re right.

LIONEL: Good.

JEAN: Only I shan’t.

LIONEL: Of course not.

12:24

JUDY: Hi mum.

JEAN: Oh, hello love.

JUDY: Hi. No Lionel?

JEAN: Ah. Lionel? Lionel?

JUDY: Sorry.

JEAN: Where have you been? Oh, sorry.

JUDY: So. What do you want talk to me about?

JEAN: Why should I want to talk to you about anything?

JUDY: The television going off as I come in. It’s a dead give away.

JEAN: Oh, I must remember that. The weekend, Judy…

JUDY: What about it?

JEAN: Is it wise?

JUDY: Is it what?

JEAN: Wise.

JUDY: What a peculiar question.

JEAN: Well, I’m a peculiar person.

JUDY: No, you’re not. Well, you are early in the mornings, but this isn’t…

JEAN: About Alistair. He’s good looking and he’s very wealthy, and he’s quite charming in a sledge hammer sort of way, but…

JUDY: You haven’t succumbed have you?

JEAN: No, I’m talking about you and Alistair.

JUDY: Why?

JEAN: Aren’t you spending the weekend with him?

JUDY: Well, what makes you think that?

JEAN: Well, because he told Lionel he was going to Paris for the weekend.

JUDY: Ah, you’ve had your spies out, haven’t you?

JEAN: Oh, you can’t really see Lionel as a spy can you?

JUDY: Why don’t you just have me bugged, you know, be done with it?

JEAN: Oh, look, you’re just being silly.

JUDY: And you’re being nosey. It’s not good acting like a mother hen, mum. I’m not a chick any more. I’m not even a pullet.

JEAN: All right. All right. You’re not going to tell me any more are you?

JUDY: No. But look on the bright side.

JEAN: What’s that?

JUDY: No one in the way at the weekend. If the old rooster wants to chase the mother hen round the farmyard.

14:04

JEAN: Sandy, could you get these into the post this afternoon for me?

SANDY: Yes, of course. Judith’s popped home to pack. Off for the weekend.

JEAN: Yes, I know.

SANDY: You got anything planned?

JEAN: No. Why?

SANDY: Well, it’s just that with Judith away, you and Lionel will have the house to yourselves.

JEAN: Oh, not you, too.

SANDY: Well, why not?

JEAN: Well, because…well, because I don’t want it discussed. Look, I’m out to lunch.

SANDY: I think you are!

JEAN: Officially.

SANDY: To everyone or just Lionel?

JEAN: Use your initiative.

SANDY: What if it fails?

JEAN: Oh, you’re in trouble.

SANDY: Good afternoon, ‘Type for You’ agency. Yes, hello Mrs. Hopyard. Yes. We’ll have Clare Edwards with you at 10:30, Monday morning. Absolutely. Thanks. Bye bye.

LIONEL: Oh, you can cut that out. Is Jean in?

SANDY: Er, no, she’s at a business lunch.

LIONEL: Going on a bit, isn’t it?

SANDY: They do sometimes. Can I help?

LIONEL: No, well, yes, perhaps you can. I want to buy a suit.

SANDY: We don’t sell suits.

LIONEL: Forget I mentioned it.

SANDY: No, I’m sorry. I’m always facetious on Fridays. I don’t see the problem.

LIONEL: Well, it’s the child, Alistair. According to him, I’m going to be on show. But, what are authors supposed to look like?

SANDY: Authorish?

LIONEL: You’re not being very helpful.

SANDY: Well, I don’t know. What does Alistair say?

LIONEL: Oh, I haven’t asked him. He’d probably suggest something in gold lurex.

SANDY: Well, why don’t you wear what you wore on the cover? I really thought you looked quite fetching.

LIONEL: Oh, ha, ha, ha.

SANDY: What are you doing?

LIONEL: Waiting for Jean.

SANDY: She could be ages.

LIONEL: Well, if it’s between sitting here and going to buy a suit, I’ll sit here. Would you care to explain that?

SANDY: Not really, no.

16:12

LIONEL: What are you doing?

JEAN: I forgot something.

LIONEL: What?

JEAN: What?

LIONEL: What did you forget?

JEAN: I can’t remember.

LIONEL: Have you been drinking?

JEAN: A glass of wine. No, shopping. That’s what I forgot.

LIONEL: I see. Well, I’ll come with you if you like.

JEAN: No.

LIONEL: Why not?

JEAN: You don’t like shopping.

LIONEL: I just offered.

JEAN: Men don’t like shopping. Why do you want to come shopping with me?

LIONEL: I need a suit. And you could buy what you want to buy, then help me choose a suit. Perhaps we could find a cup of tea somewhere.

JEAN: I can’t have tea. I’ve got a lot of work to do.

LIONEL: You just said you were going shopping.

JEAN: That was before I remembered I had a lot of work to do.

16:53

JEAN: I’m not behaving strangely!

LIONEL: Well, you’re certainly not behaving very normally.

JEAN: Oh, hello Sandy. Any calls?

SANDY: What?

JEAN: I said any calls?

SANDY: Oh, yes. Thousands.

JEAN: Yes. You see?

LIONEL: I was here just now, and the phone didn’t ring once.

SANDY: This morning. All the calls were this morning.

JEAN: This morning, yes. Before I went out to lunch.

LIONEL: Well, why ask about them then?

JEAN: Well because I…Look, stop beaching like the CBI - the FBI. I don’t have to explain my actions to you. Look, I’m just very busy, Lionel. I’m very, very, very busy.

LIONEL: Then I apologize for taking up so much of your apparently totally disorganized time.

JEAN: Oh, don’t be angry. It’s only work.

LIONEL: Oh, all right. Well, what about this evening?

JEAN: Oh, no, I can’t this evening. I’m working at home with Sandy, and tomorrow. Well, all weekend in fact. You get this times in the business sometimes. Sorry Lionel. I’ll see you next week, of course. I hope you find a nice suit.

LIONEL: You know about working this weekend?

SANDY: Oh, Yes. Yes, yes, I did.

LIONEL: Do you speak Dutch?

SANDY: No.

LIONEL: Nor do I.

JEAN: Oh, I feel utterly stupid. SANDY: You were stupid. And what’s worse, you were transparent. I’ve got an 8 year old nephew who wouldn’t have swallowed that lot.

JEAN: I panicked. SANDY: You don’t do that.

JEAN: Oh, I do now. Was Lionel…? SANDY: You’ve heard the expression, ‘A face like thunder?’

JEAN: Oh, dear. SANDY: Are you giving him the old heave-ho?

JEAN: No, I just don’t want to see him this weekend, that’s all. SANDY: You’re taking this weekend far too seriously.

JUDY: I’ve just passed Lionel.

JEAN: Oh, how was he?

JUDY: Terse. What’s being taken too seriously? SANDY: She’s just done a big unconvincing number about not being able to see him this weekend.

JUDY: Oh, mum!

JEAN: Now, don’t ‘Oh, mum,’ me. It’s you and your roosters. JUDY: Cold feet.

SANDY: Who would have thought?

JUDY: And this is not a teenager we’re talking about.

JEAN: Oh, look, that’s it. I don’t want my age discussed. I don’t want my feet discussed. I don’t want me discussed, full stop. Now let’s get on with some work.

JUDY: No, I just called in to sign these. I’m off now.

JEAN: Oh, cheerio. Have a nice time.

JUDY: Yes, I shall. I should buy yourself a crochet hook on the way home if I were you. You know, keep yourself occupied over the weekend. Bye Sandy. SANDY: Bye. She’s right you know. I mean it isn’t as if Lionel’s…

JEAN: Work!

19:24

LIONEL: Different race. Oh, wait.

ALISTAIR: You’re looking tired, Lionel.

LIONEL: Thank you. What do you want, Alistair?

ALISTAIR: I’ve got a package for you.

LIONEL: You working for the post office now?

ALISTAIR: Dry, Li, dry.No, this is something I’ve put together for the book launch. It fills you in on where to be, what to say, how to say it. How to dress, when to push, think of it as a sort of bible.

LIONEL: It’s that good?

ALISTAIR: If it’s not in there, it’s not worth knowing. It’ll help, really it will.

LIONEL: Thank you. Oh, a cup of tea or anything?

ALISTAIR: No, sorry. Got to run. Got a face to meet.

LIONEL: Yeah, I thought you were going to Paris?

ALISTAIR: Paris’s loss. A bit of business came up.

LIONEL: Ah. What happened to all work and no play?

ALISTAIR: A quarter of a million pounds worth of business.

LIONEL: Hmm. Was Judith disappointed?

ALISTAIR: Why should she be?

LIONEL: Because she’s away for the weekend, and Jean assumed.

ALISTAIR: Ah, assumption doth make cowards of us all.

LIONEL: That’s misquoted and doesn’t make sense.

ALISTAIR: Doesn’t it?

LIONEL: No.

ALISTAIR: Hmm? I won’t use it again. No, the, er, fair Judith was never on the agenda. Mind you, futuristically speaking…

LIONEL: I didn’t really think she’d be that silly.

ALISTAIR: Oh? Do I hear a future step-father speaking?

LIONEL: You most certainly do not.

ALISTAIR: Okay, okay. Nevertheless, I’ll, er... I’ll leave you to it. A shower, touch of mousse, splash of ‘God, you smell sexy’ into something smooth, and, ‘Hello Jean.’

LIONEL: I only eat mousse, I haven’t got anything ‘smooth,’ and I’m not seeing her tonight.

ALISTAIR: What, with Judith away? Li-o-nel!

LIONEL: You’ve got a one track mind.

ALISTAIR: I’m just trying to be a mate, mate. When did you last see Jean?

LIONEL: Yesterday.

ALISTAIR: Are you really telling me that she wasn’t giving out vibes of a very special kind?

LIONEL: All she was giving out was behavior which bordered on the hysterical.

ALISTAIR: Well, big match nerves.

LIONEL: Goodbye, Alistair.

ALISTAIR: I just want to the universe to be happy, that’s all. Bye Li.

22:00

JEAN: Oh.

LIONEL: Busy?

JEAN: Yes, I’m cleaning the oven.

LIONEL: Is Sandy helping or have you got her doing the sink?

JEAN: Ah.

LIONEL: There are one or two things I would like to say to you.

JEAN: Well, go on then.

LIONEL: Well, perhaps you’d like to shut the door and I can shout them through the letter box?

JEAN: There’s no need to be sarcastic.

LIONEL: Well, do you mean I can come in?

JEAN: Yes.

LIONEL: Thank you.

JEAN: I wasn’t expecting to see you today.

LIONEL: Obviously not.

JEAN: I look a dreadful mess.

LIONEL: That’s what I meant.

JEAN: Well, that’s not a very gallant thing to say.

LIONEL: I don’t feel very gallant. I feel a bit angry, if you must know.

JEAN: Why? Will you excuse me for a minute?

LIONEL: I’ve got all evening.

JEAN: Well, help yourself to a drink.

LIONEL: Better not.

JEAN: Why, ‘better not?’

LIONEL: I get very amorous when I’m drunk.

JEAN: Well, I didn’t expect you’d get drunk.

LIONEL: No, knowing what I might do with you all alone in the house.

JEAN: Oh, all right, all right! if it makes you feel any better, I feel a complete and utter fool.

LIONEL: So you should. You know, for a while yesterday, I seriously considered the possibility that you were trying to shunt me off into the sidings.

JEAN: No.

LIONEL: I also considered the possibility that you had become temporarily deranged.

JEAN: Would you like to go home now?

LIONEL: Not till I’ve finished, no. All that hoo-ha about being busy at the weekend. You simply didn’t want me in the house with Judith away.

JEAN: Well, all right, I didn’t.

LIONEL: In other words, you don’t trust me.

JEAN: It was all so set up. Judith kept smirking and talking about roosters and farmyards.

LIONEL: Alistair’s just referred to it as ‘The Big Match.’

JEAN: Just? What, this afternoon?

LIONEL: Yes. Oh, he didn’t go to Paris after all. Oh, and Judith was never on the menu—agenda.

JEAN: Why did she let me believe she was?

LIONEL: Well, I’m having enough trouble trying to understand you at the moment without tying to understand your daughter as well.

JEAN: Then where is she?

LIONEL: I don’t know, but she’s grown woman. She’s had two husbands, she’s not Eskimo Nell.

JEAN: Who?

LIONEL: I don’t mean Eskimo Nell. I mean Little Nell. She’s not a child. If she wants to go off for the weekend…

JEAN: Oh Lord, that makes it worse.

LIONEL: What does?

JEAN: Oh, ‘Oops! I’m sorry.’

LIONEL: What?

JEAN: Well, she got embarrassed about coming in and finding us together. She is, as they say, giving us space.

LIONEL: What, for the big match?

JEAN: Oh, let’s have that drink.

LIONEL: Yeah, good idea. I see what you mean by a set up.

JEAN: I didn’t realize it was that much of a one.

LIONEL: Rather like pushing a child into the middle of the room and expecting it to do it’s party piece.

JEAN: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that.

LIONEL: No, perhaps not.

JEAN: Are you still angry?

LIONEL: Well, I suppose I am really. I mean, being taken for some sort of middle aged predator. You trusted me when we were young.

JEAN: No, I didn’t.

LIONEL: What?

JEAN: Well, not completely. But then, I didn’t want to. You must have known that.

LIONEL: I admit to having an inkling.

JEAN: I wasn’t that obvious was I?

LIONEL: The way we felt, I suspect we were both obvious.

JEAN: Oh, don’t say, ‘If only.’

LIONEL: No. Well.

JEAN: What? Well, what?

LIONEL: I’d better go.

JEAN: Had you?

LIONEL: Had I?

JEAN: No. Ooh, you sat down very quickly.

LIONEL: You’ve been known to change your mind. Would you like to go out and eat?

JEAN: Oh no. Let’s stay in. I’ll cook something.

LIONEL: You won’t have to finish cleaning off the oven will you?

JEAN: I’ll do something on toast.

LIONEL: Look, about the empty house situation…

JEAN: Well, don’t let’s talk about it. Now, it’s just there, we don’t have to think of it as a situation with neon lights around it.

LIONEL: Quite right. But given the situation.

JEAN: Yes, well, I wasn’t being completely honest about that. It wasn’t just a question of not trusting you, it was a question of not trusting myself.

LIONEL: I see.

JEAN: Don’t read too much into that.

LIONEL: No, I won’t.

JEAN: Sardines?

LIONEL: Pardon?

JEAN: On toast.

LIONEL: Fine. I’ll give you a hand.

JUDY: Hello! Oh, would’t you know it!

JEAN: Oh, where have you been?

JUDY: Pangbourne. Not Paris. Not with Alistair. Pangourne. Just me.

JEAN: Oh, why?

JUDY: Well, I wanted to get out of your hair for a bit.

LIONEL: Why Pangbourne?

JUDY: I’ve always like the sound of Pangbourne.

LIONEL: What’s it like?

JUDY: Oh, wrong people. The hotel was full of a sales conference. All men, all noisy, and all wishful thinkers. Then I thought, ‘Well, what am I doing here? I mean mum’s got cold feet anyway.’ so I came home. What happened to the cold feet?

JEAN: We decided to be adult.

JUDY: Look, my bag’s packed. I could go somewhere else.

LIONEL: You do that and our embarrassment factor will go straight through the roof.

JEAN: Look, Judy love, just leave us to make up our own plans, all right?

JUDY: And what will they be?

LIONEL: Well, put it this way. We’ve already got as far as making sardines on toast.