Misunderstandings-Transcript

LIONEL: Good Lord, Joseph Locke’s on CD.

JEAN: We saw him at the Hackney Empire.

LIONEL: So we did. What did he sing?

JEAN: Oh, something military I expect. He generally sang something military.

LIONEL: Nothing of Johnny Ray’s here.

JEAN: I didn’t know you liked Johnny Ray.

LIONEL: I can’t stand him.

JEAN: Well, why are you looking for him then?

LIONEL: Well there was one song he used to sing. ‘Walking My Baby Back Home’

JEAN: That doesn’t sound like your cup of tea.

LIONEL: No, it wasn’t, atmospheric though. When I was called up for National Service, it seemed everybody at the camp was singing it.

JEAN: Yes, er, ‘Gee but it’s great when you’re walking out late, walking my baby back home.'

LIONEL: Shh, shh.

JEAN: Well, I’m not going to sing the whole song.

LIONEL: Dreadful lyrics.

JEAN: Why did you always sing it then?

LIONEL: Oh, I don’t know. It seemed romantic in its day. You know, walking one’s baby back home.

JEAN: Yes, I remember, now how did it go? ‘We’d started to pet, and that’s when I’d get her powder all over my vest.’ Well, it was provocative, we did wear powder.

LIONEL: The ‘vest’ bit worried me until I found out that it was American for waistcoat. I kept wondering what he was doing walking his baby back home in his vest.

JEAN: You never walked me back home. You walked me back to the nurses’ home.

LIONEL: Hmmm, I was the envy of the battalion, you know, going out with a nurse.

JEAN: Oh, really?

LIONEL: Yes, something to do with the fact that nurses knew all about anatomy, it gave them an erotic mystery.

JEAN: Di you believe that?

LIONEL: I suppose I must have done.

JEAN: Is that why you picked me up in the park?

LIONEL: You weren’t in uniform if you remember.

JEAN: Oh yes, so I wasn’t.

LIONEL: And I didn’t pick you up, I asked you the way to Curzon Street.

JEAN: Mm, four times you took me out before you kissed me.

LIONEL: And then we clashed noses, and you banged your head against the wall of the nurses home. Pretty smooth, wasn’t I?

JEAN: Well, it shows what an innocent I was, because I actually thought you were.

LIONEL: Funny isn’t it, when you look back on those days you think that…What are you doing?

JEAN: Don’t look at me.

LIONEL: What are you doing?

JEAN: There’s someone I don’t want to see.

LIONEL: Who?

JEAN: She’s in blue.

LIONEL: I can’t see anybody in blue.

JEAN: Don’t look at me!

LIONEL: Well I can’t.

JEAN: I swear she was there. She’s behind us.

LIONEL: Well, will she recognize you from the rear?

JEAN: No, she’s facing the other way. Sidle out quietly.

LIONEL: Sidle?

JEAN: Yes, quick, sideways. When we get near the door, run for it.

LIONEL: What do we do then, split up and make contact in Prague?

JEAN: Please.

LIONEL: Oh, all right.

JEAN: Now, now.

LIONEL: Stop.

JEAN: What?

LIONEL: You’re shoplifting.

PENNY: Jean!

JEAN: Oh, oh, Penny.

PENNY: Jean, how lovely to see you.

JEAN: Oh, how lovely to see you.

3:42

PENNY: It was so nice to see you again. Fancy bumping into each other like that.

JEAN: Fancy..

PENNY: And lovely to meet you, Leslie.

LIONEL: Lionel.

PENNY: Awful at names. I’m only up in town for one day, bit of shopping, you know, that sort of thing. I did try and let you know that I was coming up, but you must have been out. What a pretty little garden. Isn’t it pretty? Do you have a garden, Leslie?

LIONEL: I live in a flat. I mow the window box from time to time.

PENNY: Oh, you poor man. I always think that life without a garden is…Now what about you two? How long have you known each other?

LIONEL: Ah, well…

JEAN: Just a few months. I’ve got some strawberries in the fridge.

PENNY: Oh, scrummy.

JEAN: Would you give me a hand, Lionel?

LIONEL: Yes, if you want me to.

PENNY: No, no, no, oh, don’t steal him.

JEAN: Well, I’ll give him back, shan’t be a moment.

4:40

LIONEL: What do you mean, a few months?

JEAN: Look, she doesn’t know about us and I don’t want her to.

LIONEL: Why?

JEAN: Lionel, she’s my sister-in-law. I was married to her brother. You don’t think I told him about us, do you?

LIONEL: I don’t know.

JEAN: Well it stands to reason, did you tell your wife about me?

LIONEL: I shouldn’t think so.

JEAN: No, well there you are then.

LIONEL: Well, I’m sure she never asked, she was the least curious person I ever met.

JEAN: So don’t let anything slip.

LIONEL: Well, I’ll do my best, but I’m not very good at deception.

JEAN: Oh, I don’t know, you deceived me into thinking into thinking you wanted to know the way to Curzon Street.

LIONEL: Oh well, why all that nonsense in the record shop? She seems quite nice. She goes on a bit, but she seems quite nice.

JEAN: Well, she is, it’s just that since David died, she’s made it her mission in life to feel sorry for me. ‘Poor Jean’ this, ‘Poor Jean’ that.

LIONEL: I don’t think of you ask ‘Poor Jean’.

JEAN: Nor do I, she does and I can’t budge her. Sometimes it’s, ‘Poor Brave Jean’.

LIONEL: That’s worse.

JEAN: I know. Ah, ah, ah. Would you get some dishes, please?

LIONEL: Oh, this only having known each other a few months fiction. Where did we meet?

JEAN: How should I know?

LIONEL: I just thought it would be better if we told the same story.

JEAN: Those are soup plates.

LIONEL: Well, they’re dishes.

JEAN: Look, just make it up as you go along, all right? If in doubt, change the subject. The cream’s in the fridge. There. There.

LIONEL: Napkins.

JEAN: No.

LIONEL: Well, we should have napkins; cream tends to dribble.

JEAN: No, I wasn’t talking about napkins. If she asks us down for the weekend, we can’t go.

LIONEL: That suits me fine. I hate staying in other people’s houses. If you get up in the night to go to the loo, you never know which door to open. Why are you so sure she’ll ask us?

JEAN: Oh, she always does.

LIONEL: Sugar.

JEAN: Ohh. So just say, ‘no’. Hmm? I mean an hour of being called ‘Poor Jean’ is bearable. After several hours I start feeling I really am ‘Poor Jean’. Now, come on.

LIONEL: Oh, what about napkins?

JEAN: Oh, they’re in the…