Surprise, Surprise-Transcript

HEADMASTER: Hardcastle. So good of you to come out to the wilds on such short notice.

LIONEL: It’s very kind of you to meet me, Master, but you really shouldn’t have bothered.

HEADMASTER: Oh, nonsense. I always enjoyed railway stations. It’s the only time I weigh myself, when I’m at a railway station. Car’s this way. "My life in Burma”, isn’t it, your lecture?

LIONEL: “My Life in Kenya,” actually.

HEADMASTER: So it is.

1:29

JEAN: Oh, look, why don’t I go back to the office and you go up to Norwich to see Lionel?

JUDY: Oh, for goodness sake mum, it’s you he wants to see, not me.

JEAN: I don’t know how you can say that when he does’t even know we’re coming.

JUDY: He dedicated his book to you.

JEAN: That was for all our yesterdays, not for all our tomorrows.

JUDY: “To Pooh”, because you liked honey.

JEAN: Well, I’m not “Pooh” now, am I?

JUDY: I’ll call you “Pooh,” if you want me to.

JEAN: Don’t even think of it.

JUDY: Lionel will be ever so pleased to see you.

JEAN: Will he?

JUDY: Well, if you were giving a lecture in Norwich and Lionel turned up to see you, what would you be?

JEAN: 	Flabbergasted.

JUDY: I don’t know why I bother.

JEAN: Nor do I. You just don’t seem to realize that after 38 years…

ALISTAIR: Well, hello.

JUDY: Hello.

ALISTAIR: Going to Norwich?

JUDY: Yes, as a matter of fact.

ALISTAIR: Brilliant. So am I. My name’s Alistair by the way.

JUDY: Hello, I’m Judith.

ALISTAIR: It’s you.

JEAN: Yes, I know it’s me.

ALISTAIR: You came to my part the other night with Lionel. You skipped off early.

JEAN: It was past our bedtime.

ALISTAIR: Oh. You and Lionel are…?

JEAN: Our separate bedtimes. Alistair, this is my daughter Judith. Judith, Alistair.

JUDY: Hello, again.

ALISTAIR: Hi. Jean, I just can’t believe that this is your daughter.

JEAN: You’re not going to say we look like sisters?

ALISTAIR: No.

JUDY: We’re going to Norwich to hear Lionel’s lecture.

ALISTAIR: Brilliant. That’s where I’m going. Well, my day is made. Nothing makes a train more enjoyable than the company of a beautiful woman. Yeah, uh, two beautiful women. Well, time me all about yourself. Where have you been hiding? Why wasn’t I told of your existence in the first place?

3:27

HEADMASTER: Yes, the fellow who dropped out was going to talk about rail travel in Russia in the twentieth century.

LIONEL: Why did he drop out?

HEADMASTER: Got knocked over by a bus, poor fellow.

LIONEL: Ironic.

HEADMASTER: That’s what I thought. You’ll um…You’ll stay overnight in college of course. Rooms have a certain gothic grandeur, even if they are damned drafty.

LIONEL: Oh thank you all the same, Master, but I’m staying overnight with a friend.

HEADMASTER: Oh, better still. Nothing like staying with a chum, is there?

LIONEL: Nothing.

4:10

CABBIE: Bed and breakfast, you say?

LIONEL: Yes.

CABBIE: There’s no sign up.

LIONEL: Perhaps it’s in the wash.

CABBIE: Long way out, too. Couldn’t you have found somewhere a bit more central?

LIONEL: It isn’t really any of your business, is it?

CABBIE: I’m just interested in what motivates people, that’s all. It’s very interesting. Sometimes, you see, people are motivated by the most obscure motives. Motives that they don’t even understand themselves.

LIONEL: Are they really?

DENISE: Cooee. You’re naughty, you are.

CABBIE: Then, again.

LIONEL: Goodbye.

4:48

DENISE: Oh, and there’s a space in the wardrobe and an empty drawer for your things.

LIONEL: Thanks.

DENISE: You didn’t ask why you’re naughty.

LIONEL: I thought it discreet not to in front of the taxi driver.

DENISE: Well, you are.

LIONEL: Are you sure you’ve got the correct adjective?

DENISE: Six months and not a word, not even a postcard?

LIONEL: Denise, we are ships that pass in the night. We don’t send postcards.

DENISE: I wouldn’t like to think I was being taken for granted.

LIONEL: I see you put the silk sheets on.

DENISE: Yes, well. I’m a forgiving sort of person.

LIONEL: Indeed, you are.

DENISE: I bought some chains by the way.

LIONEL: Pardon?

DENISE: For my garden at the front. Trying to keep those lorries off it. You didn’t notice did you? You don’t notice a lot of things. It’s as though you only want to see the bit of the world around you.

LIONEL: That’s true enough. I gave up the global view some time ago.

DENISE: Too huge?

LIONEL: No, too complicated. I’m not very good with complications any more.

DENISE: Well, I’m not complicated.

LIONEL: And I’m very grateful.

DENISE: Can I come to the lecture tonight?

LIONEL: What on earth for?

DENISE: Well, to hear it.

LIONEL: If you want to be bored, try reading the telephone book.

DENISE: You don’t want me to come.

LIONEL: I told the master of the college you were a chum, you see.

DENISE: Well, I am.

LIONEL: Not the sort of chum, I meant.

DENISE: You’re not going with somebody else, are you?

LIONEL: Of course not. I’d hardly stay here and go with somebody else, would I?

DENISE: There’s no telling with you. If I thought you were playing fast and loose…

LIONEL: Denise, at my age, you have to be fast to be loose, and I am not fast.

DENISE: I can come to the lecture then?

LIONEL: If you really want to.

DENISE: Good, let’s go and have some tea.

LIONEL: Yeah, good idea.

DENISE: Nothing’s happened recently, has it? You know,,,happened?

LIONEL: Nothing. Nothing at all.

6:47

JUDY: It’s funny isn’t it, Alistair having already booked the same hotel as us?

JEAN: How did you ever get to be so gullible?

JUDY: He’s rather nice isn’t he?

JEAN: Yes, in a boyish sort of way.

JUDY: He’s not that young, I suppose he’s about my age.

JEAN: Young.

JUDY: He fancies you.

JEAN: Oh, don’t be absurd.

JUDY: Well, why did he sit next you all the way up here then?

JEAN: Well, so he could look at you.

JUDY: No, he spoke to you most of the time.

JEAN: It’s the oldest trick in the world. Ingratiate yourself with the mother.

JUDY: Oh, now who’s being gullible?

ALISTAIR: All fixed up. Sherry with the master before the lecture, front row seats, and then, dinner with the master afterwards.

JUDY: How did you manage that?

ALISTAIR: It’s being in publishing. Almost everyone you meet intends to write a book one day. All you have to do is express a deep interest in the subject they want to write about and suddenly they’re very accommodating.

JEAN: May I ask you an impertinent question?

ALISTAIR: Oh, please, I’d love it.

JEAN: Lionel’s book. Why are you publishing it?

ALISTAIR: Because it’s terrific!

JEAN: I read it last night.

ALISTAIR: Ah. Well, compare it to a television company. They make their money producing the popular rubbish, but every so often they bring in an opera or something just to prove that, basically, they’re very serious minded people.

JEAN: You mean nobody will read Lionel’s book?

ALISTAIR: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. If we jazz up the cover a bit, people might buy it without reading the actual words inside. Well, it’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick isn’t it?

JEAN: Yes, I suppose so.

JUDY: Incidentally, where’s Lionel staying tonight…here?

ALISTAIR: No. Apparently he favors a little bed and breakfast place when he’s up here.

JEAN: I hope he’s being well looked after.

HEADMASTER: Ah, Hardcastle. You look very chipper.

LIONEL: Ah, thank you, Master. May I introduce a friend of mine, Mrs. Denise Cropper.

DENISE: How do you do?

HEADMASTER: Charming. Very charming. Let’s find you a sherry. Have you known Mrs. Copper long, Hardcastle?

LIONEL: It’s Mrs. Cropper, master.

DENISE: As in “came a”

HEADMASTER:  What an excellent mnemonic.

DENISE: Thank you.

HEADMASTER: Here we are. Uh, dry for you, if I remember correctly, Hardcastle. And my guess, Mrs. Cropper, is that you’re sweet.

DENISE: You’d have to ask Lionel that.

HEADMASTER: Don’t think I shan’t. Sly old fox.

LIONEL: Uh, would you excuse me? A guest of mine.

ALISTAIR: Hello mate. Done your warm up?

LIONEL: What?

ALISTAIR: You know, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi…Are you fit?

LIONEL: Uh, as I’ll ever be, yes. It was good of you to come. Ah. And not alone. Look who’s here.

JUDY: Surprise!

JEAN: Hello Lionel. There’s no need to be that effusive.

LIONEL: Uh, I’m sorry. I was just, um…I didn’t know you were coming.

JUDY: Well, that’s why I said surprise.

LIONEL: Quite. Well it is.

JEAN: What?

LIONEL: A surprise. A very nice surprise, of course.

ALISTAIR: Well, now, we’ve established how surprised we are, any chance of a drink?

LIONEL: Yes, of course. Um…

DENISE: He’s a lively old dog isn’t he?

LIONEL: Denise, I’d like to, uh…I’d like you to meet some friends of mine.

DENISE: Oh, lovely.

LIONEL: This is Jean Pargetter, an old friend, her daughter, Judith, and Alistair Deacon.

DENISE: Hello

JEAN: Hello.

JUDY: Hello.

DENISE: Oh, hello. How old a friend are you, Jean?

JEAN: Oh, uh, we, met, eh, 38 years ago.

DENISE: Oh, good gracious me. You are an old friend aren’t you?

JEAN: How long have you known Lionel?

DENISE: Oh, only a couple of years, you know, on and off. We first met when I offered him overnight accommodation. Didn’t we.

LIONEL: Well, it is nice to see you all.

10:45

JEAN: Overnight accommodation.

JUDY: He is a man.

JEAN: I know what sex he is. I just thought he was a man with more taste, that’s all.

JUDY: Like you?

JEAN: Well, look at her.

JUDY: I am.

JEAN: If she gets any closer, she’ll be in that suit with him. Jealous.?

JUDY: No? You?

JEAN: Oh, certainly not.

11:23

HEADMASTER: It was George Moore, I think, who said, “A man travels the over in search of what he needs, returns home to find it.” I do not presume to say Mr. Hardcastle traveled to Kenya  in search of what he needed, but I am certain, that on return home, he will find here a very warm East Anglian welcome. Mr. Lionel Hardcastle.

LIONEL: Thank you Master. Ladies and gentlemen, My Life in Kenya. I first went to Kenya in 1955. Uh, because that, of course, was what my generation was brought up to call that…

STUDENT#1: When did you start slaughtering elephants?

LIONEL: That was of course what my generation was borough tup to call…

STUDENT#1: When did you start slaughtering elephants?

LIONEL: Who said anything about slaughtering elephants? Uh, in those days it was a very different…

STUDENT#2: Answer the question.

STUDENT#1: Answer the question.

STUDENT#3: Answer the question.

LIONEL: I was a coffee planter.

STUDENT#1: Rubbish1 We’ve read the blurb.

LIONEL: What blurb? What are you talking about?

STUDENT#3: This! A cheap hype from your forthcoming book! One Man’s fight to conquer a wilderness!

STUDENT#1: Don’t tell us you conquered a wilderness without slaughtering elephants!

LIONEL: Look, I didn’t conquer any wilderness. I don’t know anything about that.

STUDENT#2: It’s thanks to people like you that my children may never see a wild elephant.

LIONEL: Madam, to the best of my knowledge, there are no wild elephants in Norwich.

STUDENT#2: If there were, you’d shoot them.

STUDENT#1: Elephant killer! Elephant killer!

STUDENT#3: You just want the ivory.

STUDENT#2: Shooting defenseless animals is murder.

STUDENT#1 and 3: Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Elephant killer!

LIONEL: Look, if you’d just listen to what I’ve got to say…

HEADMASTER: Please! Please! Please!

STUDENT#1: You’ve got blood on your hands and you know it.

STUDENTS#1, 2, and 3 along with a few member of the audience chanting Elephant killer!

13:34

LIONEL: Oh, for god’s sake! It’s the most juvenile, irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard of! ALISTAIR: Students will be students, mate.

LIONEL: Not them, you. One man’s fight to conquer the wilderness.

ALISTAIR: It’s to hype the book.

LIONEL: What have you got in mind for the cover? Me standing on top of a pile of dead elephants?

ALISTAIR: No. Maybe a Lion?

LIONEL: No!

HEADMASTER: My dear fellow, I do apologize. I don’t what got into them.

LIONEL: A few lagers, I suspect and some ridiculous handbills distributed by publisher with a mental age of nought.

ALISTAIR: Now steady on, mate.

LIONEL: And stop calling me mate!

JEAN: Hello, Bwana Mkubwa.

LIONEL: And don’t you start.

JEAN: Well, do admit it had its funny side.

LIONEL: Not from where I was standing.

JUDY: I did like the floating elephant.

ALISTAIR: Yes, he was rather cute.

LIONEL: Cute?

HEADMASTER: Let’s all have a cheery before dinner shall we? Where’s your young lady, Hardcastle?

LIONEL: She’s…I don’t know.

JEAN: Busy doing a retouching job.

JUDY: Meow.

HEADMASTER: There we are.

LIONEL: Look master, about my fee…

HEADMASTER: No, no, no, I won’t hear of it. Very decent of you to bring it up, but what happened was none of your doing, so, I won’t hear of you refusing.

LIONEL: Well, if you insist.

DENISE: Poor Lionel, they were disgusting, they should be expelled.

LIONEL: It wasn’t actually their fault, they were misinformed.

DENISE: Who by?

ALISTAIR: You know, I’m starving. What’s for dinner, master?

HEADMASTER: Chicken, I believe.

JEAN: Did you shot it this afternoon?

HEADMASTER: Let’s sit at table, shall we? Nothing formal, anywhere you like. You sit with me, my dear.

HEADMASTER: Yes, she was a dear old thing, Jessie. Fifteen years almost tot eh day that she died. I always remember her last words, “Arthur”, she said, “There are some chops in the freezer. You’d best defrost them for your supper tonight.” You ever been married, Hardcastle?

LIONEL: Once, We divorced on the grounds of mutual boredom.

HEADMASTER: Mrs. Pargetter?

JEAN: I’m a widow.

HEADMASTER: A merry one, I hope?

JEAN: Well, I think at my age, “sprightly” might be a better word.

ALISTAIR: Rubbish.

DENISE: My ex shot himself.

JEAN: Really? Why?

DENISE: Well, he was always given to the dramatic. That’s what I like about Lionel, he’s so steady.

LIONEL: Boring might be a better adjective.

DENISE: Oh, no, never boring.

HEADMASTER: What about this pretty thing? Still looking for Mr. Right?

JUDY: Well, I’ve got two ex-husbands, so, I suppose I must be.

HEADMASTER: Oh, what a waste.

ALISTAIR: My point exactly.

JUDY: Oh.

ALISTAIR: I mean here you are, describing yourself as sprightly, when you’re still a very desirable woman.

JEAN: Oh, what a sweet thing to say.

ALISTAIR: I mean every word of it.

DENISE: I think clicking is permanent.

HEADMASTER: Clicking?

DENISE: Yes, in relationships. Two people either click instinctively or not. You take me and Lionel. We click like mad.

LIONEL :We don’t see each other that often, of course.

JEAN: That must be the reason. Absence makes the click grow fonder.

HEADMASTER: What about a smash more port?

DENISE: Oh, no thanks all the same. I think Lionel must be a bit tired by now.

LIONEL: How very perceptive of you, Denise. If you’ll excuse us, Master.

HEADMASTER: Yes, of course.

ALISTAIR: Actually, I think we’ll pop off as well.

JEAN: We?

ALISTAIR: I thought we might go back to the hotel for a nightcap.

JEAN: Oh. Oh, that’s a lovely idea, Alistair.

ALISTAIR: You’re staying at the same hotel?

JEAN: Yes. Convenient, isn’t it?

HEADMASTER: What about you, my dear?

JUDY: Me? I think I’d like another drop of port, please.

HEADMASTER: What an excellent idea.

JEAN mouths no to JUDY

DENISE: Well, that all works out very nicely, doesn’t it? Everyone’s fixed up.

17:30

ALISTAIR: That’s probably ours. I’ll just check.

DENISE: I’ll fetch the car, Lionel, while you say goodnight to your friend.

LIONEL: I didn’t know you were coming.

JEAN: It’s not really any of my business, is it?

LIONEL: No, all right, it’s not.

JEAN: Fine.

ALISTAIR: It is ours.

JEAN: Coming.

LIONEL: This nightcap…

JEAN: That’s not really any of your business.

LIONEL: No, it’s not. You won’t get silly though will you?

JEAN: No sillier than you.

ALISTAIR: Cheers, mate. See you in London.

JEAN: Don’t look so pleased with yourself, Alistair.

18:39

ALISTAIR: Thanks. Now let’s talk about you, A to Z.

JEAN: Alistair, I went from A to J before you were even born.

ALISTAIR: Who cares? Do you care?

JEAN: Well…

ALISTAIR: I don’t. Nobody does these days. Attraction is attraction, full stop.

JEAN: You should be saying this to Judith.

ALISTAIR: Huh, She’s child.

JEAN: Yes. I know. Mine.

ALISTAIR: Good god, the next thing you’ll be saying is that you’re past it.

JEAN: No, I won’t. I’m not past it. It’s just a question of mutual attraction, that’s all.

ALISTAIR: No probs. I saw something in your eye when you said yes to a nightcap.

JEAN: Yes, you did. You saw vanity and stupidity. For a minute I wanted to get my own back on Lionel. I don’t know why. I just wanted to make him jealous. I’m sorry Alistair, but that was all it was.

ALISTAIR: Well, it’s a starting point.

19:31

DENISE: Well, it was an unusual sort of evening.

LIONEL: I told you you’d be bored.

DENISE: Oh, I wasn’t bored. That Alistair’s a card.

LIONEL: Yes, the sort that should have black ending round it.

DENISE: You’re in a mood.

LIONEL: No, I’m not.

DENISE: It’s because she came, isn’t it.

LIONEL: Will you look at the road.

DENISE: I wonder why she came.

LIONEL: I don’t know. Did you have to leave that ridiculous elephant on the roof?

DENISE: It’s my car.

LIONEL: I know it’s your car.

DENISE: Anyway, it’s a bit unusual. Better than a Garfield stuck to the window isn’t it?

20:15

HEADMASTER: Another glass of port, my dear?

JUDY: Better not. I get silly.

HEADMASTER: Just a small one, then. You know, you have the mot extraordinary eyes.

JUDY: They’re not glazed, are they?

HEADMASTER: Most certainly not. All the mystery of woman is in those eyes.

JUDY: Oh, they must be glazed. I’m not mysterious at all.

HEADMASTER: You’re very beautiful.

JUDY: Rubbish.

HEADMASTER: Masefield had it, you know. But the loveliest things of beauty god ever has showed to me, are her nice, and her hair, and eyes, and the dear red curve of her lips.

JUDY: That’s very sweet of you, but…

HEADMASTER: And as for those shoulders. By god, if I’d danced with you on the eve of the Battle of Waterloo, I’d have charged the french dreaming of those shoulders, and…

JUDY: You did say you were going to show me round.

HEADMASTER: Did I? So I did. This way. I have some very interesting first editions that may interest you.

JUDY: Ow!!

HEADMASTER: Something wrong?

JUDY: You pinched my bum! You actually pinched my bum!

HEADMASTER: I couldn’t resist it.

JUDY: Well, you should have tried!

HEADMASTER: I’ll get you a car.

JUDY: Yes, I think you’d better.

HEADMASTER: Jenkins. Bring the car round will you? I have a guest who wants to return to her hotel. Thank you. A couple of minutes, that’s all. When, eh… when you get old you forget you see.

JUDY: Forget what?

HEADMASTER: How to seduce. All those honeyed phrases one used so long ago seem ridiculously out of date. It isn’t like riding a bicycle at all. You fall off.

JUDY: I shouldn’t worry about the honeyed phrases being out of date. I thought the one about us dancing not eh eve of the Battle of Waterloo was terrific. Goodnight.

22:20

ALISTAIR: I mean, take Tina Turner.

JEAN: Why should I?

ALISTAIR: Well, I mean, she’s not a young woman is she? But whoa! When she struts her stuff! By god…

JEAN: Alistair, you live in a fantasy world. I run a secretarial agency. I don’t strut my stuff.

ALISTAIR: Yes, but I…

HOTEL CLERK: Excuse me, sir.

ALISTAIR: Yes, what is it?

HOTEL CLERK: The champagne’s ready.

ALISTAIR: Well, I assume it would be. I don’t need to be told.

HOTEL CLERK: Well, I’m very sorry, I’m sure. It seemed the logical thing to do.

JEAN: What champagne?

ALISTAIR: The bottle in my room.

JEAN: You do have a thirst, don’t you?

ALISTAIR: It’s for us.

JEAN: In your room?

ALISTAIR: We can have it in your room if you like.

JEAN: Look Alistair, do I have to stamp no in big letters on your forehead?

ALISTAIR: Ooh, whatever turns you on.

JEAN: Well, I’ll tell you what turns me on at this time of night. It’s a comfortable bed and a good book.

ALISTAIR: Ok, fine. What shall we read?

JEAN: You should be a salesman, not a publisher. Are you always like this?

ALISTAIR: No, no, no. Sometimes I’m really pushy. You’re laughing.

JEAN: I’m laughing at the absurdity of it all. Us here. I wonder is Judith all right.

ALISTAIR: Of course, she’s all right. She’s having a drink with an ancient academic, isn’t she?

JEAN: He had a very unacademic gleam in his eye.

ALISTAIR: Ah, well, there you are.

JEAN: There I am what?

ALISTAIR: Well, he wasn’t screwed up about his age.

JEAN: Well, I’m not screwed up about age. It’s you that’s screwed up about age. You’re screwed up with this fantasy about older women.

ALISTAIR: Mature.

JEAN: Older.

ALISTAIR: And it’s not a fantasy.

JEAN: Oh, I’m going to bed.

ALISTAIR: Now you’re talking.

JEAN: Alistair!

ALISTAIR: All right, all right, all right, I’m not entirely without sensitivity. I give in.

JEAN: Good.

ALISTAIR: For tonight.

JEAN: Goodnight.

ALISTAIR: What if I were Lionel.

JEAN: He’d have dropped off in his chair by now. Enjoy the champagne.

ALISTAIR: Well, hello.

JUDY: Hello. Where’s mum?

ALISTAIR: Gone to bed. Fancy a drink?

JUDY: No thanks. Goodnight.

ALISTAIR: I’ve got a bottle of champagne in my room.

JUDY: You’ve also got a blood nerve!

24:43

DENISE: Why have you taken to changing in the bathroom?

LIONEL: Vanity, I suppose. Bit of me that used to ripple tend to wobble these days.

DENISE: And you’re not wearing the pajamas I bought you last time.

LIONEL: No.

DENISE: Don’t you like them?

LIONEL: Well, they were every distinctive. I just don’t like wearing pajamas with Macho Man printed across the chest. You’ve been spraying again.

DENISE: It’s called Pourquoi Non. That means ‘Why Not?’

LIONEL: I can think of several reasons.

DENISE: Meaning?

LIONEL: Meaning, it smells like furniture polish.

DENISE: Well, it didn’t bother you this afternoon.

LIONEL: It’s the second wave.

DENISE: You are in a mood.

LIONEL: Of course, I’m in a mood. Everybody’s in a mood of some sort all the time.

DENISE: A grumpy mood.

LIONEL: Look, just because I don’t put on a red rose, and sing, “The sun has got his hat on” doesn’t make me grumpy.

DENISE: Sullen then.

LIONEL: No.

DENISE: Morose.

LIONEL: Will you stop searching for adjectives? I’m fine.

DENISE: That’s one.

LIONEL: One what?

DENISE: An adjective.

LIONEL: Look can we just change the subject?

DENISE: Yes. Good idea. Does it really smell of furniture polish?

LIONEL: Well…expensive furniture polish.

DENISE: That’s better.

LIONEL: Goodnight then.

DENISE: What do you mean, ‘Goodnight’?

LIONEL: I thought I’d sleep in the guest room.

DENISE: It’s her, isn’t it. It’s that old flame of your, and I do mean old.

LIONEL: I’m rather tired, that’s all.

DENISE: I know that. But there’s no reason to act like the Stage at Bay. I’ve go the right to have my expectations.

LIONEL: What do you mean the right?

DENISE: You’ve slept in my bed!

LIONEL: At your invitation. Have you forgotten the first time I stayed here? You show me the bed I was supposed to sleep in and ten minutes later we were in yours.

DENISE: Oh, I see. I overpowered you did I?

LIONEL: No, of course not. But it was handy wasn’t it?

DENISE: Handy?

LIONEL: Bad word. Convenient.

DENISE: Worse word.

LIONEL: Well, I’m not an eloquent man.

DENISE: No, you’re not!

LIONEL: Oh, for god’s sake, this is childish. We met and it suited us both. Don’t make this sound like a grand passion. We only meet, a few times a year.

DENISE: If she were in this bed, it would be a different story.

LIONEL: Yes. She’d have passed out long ago overcome by the fumes of your perfume that smells like furniture polish.

DENISE: Get out of my house.

LIONEL: What do you think I’m doing, get ready to play Pass the Parcel?

DENISE: You’ve taken advantage of me, that’s what you’ve done.

LIONEL: Oh, now we really are in the realms of fiction aren’t we?

DENISE: Of all my guests, all the gentlemen that have stayed here, you are the only one. And now you’re being unkind to me.

LIONEL: You’re not losing anything Denise. It’s just that I can’t…It’s probably stupid, but…Who are this lot?

DENISE: People.

LIONEL: Call me suspicious, but why do I guess that they all have a pair of pajamas with Macho Man printed on the chest?