JEAN: Gosh, you’re early.
JUDY: I’m keen.
BAND LEADER: Ms. Pargetter?
JUDY: No. Mum, there’s a band for you.
JEAN: I don’t laugh at jokes, Judy, in the morning, you know that. Good lord.
BAND LEADER: Ms. Pargetter?
JEAN: Um, yes, but…
BAND LEADER: 3,2,1… “What are you doing for the rest of your life? North and south and east and west of your life, I have only one requires of your life, that you spend it all with me”
ALISTAIR: And I’m the me. Good morning!
JEAN: Alistair, what in God’s name are you doing?
ALISTAIR: Good morning. Gentlemen…
JEAN: Look, will you stop that? It’s eight o’clock in the morning!
ALISTAIR: Who cares?
JEAN: I do. Now clear off!
JUDY: He doesn’t do things by halves, does he?
JEAN: I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Look at me.
JUDY: Love is blind.
JEAN: I don’t know what you find so funny.
BAND: I have a…
JEAN: Shut up!
ALISTAIR: Hi Li.
LIONEL: Go away.
ALISTAIR: Isn’t it a brilliant morning?
LIONEL: Ask me this afternoon.
ALISTAIR: Listen, I’m just touching base.
ALISTAIR: Touching base. You know.
LIONEL: Should we send for an interpreter?
ALISTAIR: How are you?
LIONEL: Is that a new question, or are we still on touching base?
ALISTAIR: That is touching base. See how you are.
LIONEL: I’m very well thank you. Goodbye.
LIONEL: And will you stop calling me that?
ALISTAIR: Sorry mate. Seeing how you are means, well, seeing how you are.
LIONEL: I’ve just told you. I’m very well.
ALISTAIR: That’s all I needed to know. Well, I’ll just collect my musicians from the restaurant and be on my way.
LIONEL: Why do you say things that I simply have to ask question about?
ALISTAIR: What things?
LIONEL: What things? What are your musicians doing in the restaurant?
ALISTAIR: I’m buying them breakfast.
LIONEL: Oh, I see.
ALISTAIR: I had them round at Jean’s at eight o’clock this morning.
LIONEL: Your musicians. What for?
ALISTAIR: Serenading her. Furthering my cause.
LIONEL: I imagine she was overcome.
ALISTAIR: ‘P’ for persistence, that’s the main thing. You know you baffle me.
LIONEL: I baffle you?
ALISTAIR: I still can’t figure out why we’re not in a two horse race.
LIONEL: I haven’t got a horse.
ALISTAIR: With Jean as the winning post?
LIONEL: Oh I don’t think she’s like to be described as a winning post.
ALISTAIR: You know what I mean.
LIONEL: Yes, for once, I do.
ALISTAIR: So, why aren’t you an entry?
LIONEL: I go lame.
ALISTAIR: Oh, come on. You’re still quite presentable.
LIONEL: Thank you.
ALISTAIR: Strong in wind and limb. Not exactly a young stallion, but…
LIONEL: Not exactly.
ALISTAIR: So it baffles me that you don’t see an interest. Oh, I were you…
LIONEL: Haven’t you got somebody else to annoy?
ALISTAIR: Oh yes, tons of people. Unless, of course, you’re waiting for the right moment to make your move.
LIONEL: I am as a matter of fact. Yes. I'm waiting to raise that cup to my lips, without you chuntering on.
ALISTAIR: Yes, well, see you then Li, er, mate, er, champ. Well, hi.
JUDY: Morning Alistair.
ALISTAIR: Nice. Very nice.
JUDY: Hairy. Very hairy. Chop chop.
LIONEL: What? Oh. Good morning Judith.
JUDY: Good morning. How are you?
LIONEL: Well, the company’s improved. Can I order you anything?
JUDY: No, thanks. Well, I’m ready when you are.
LIONEL: For what?
JUDY: I’m here to help you with your revisions.
LIONEL: I thought Sandy was doing that?
JUDY: No, she can’t. She’s off sick.
JEAN: Morning Sandy.
SANDY: Morning boss. Slaters’ rang. They know it’s a cheek, but could they have three temps for tomorrow morning?
JEAN: No. What did you say?
SANDY: We’ve never let an old customer down yet, I said.
JEAN: Oh, you’re going places.
JEAN: Only you find the three temps.
SANDY: I already have.
JEAN: Gosh, you are going places. Talking of which, what are you doing here?
SANDY: Hanging on your every word.
JEAN: You should be at the hotel, helping Lionel.
SANDY: Judith went.
JEAN: Did she?
SANDY: She insisted. And as she’s the Dragon Lady’s daughter…
JEAN: Dragon Lady. I thought it was Iron-Drawers.
SANDY: That was weeks ago.
SANDY: Very nicely.
JEAN: I wonder why she left so early?
SANDY: She doesn’t?
JEAN: She does. Two failed marriages behind her and now she gets a crush on Lionel.
SANDY: If they get married, can I have her job?
JEAN: If they get married, Lionel would be my son-in-law.
SANDY: Funny old life, isn’t it?
JEAN: Oh it’s hysterical.
SANDY: Does Lionel know?
JEAN: I wouldn’t have thought so, he’s not very perceptive.
SANDY: Very flattering for an old chap to find out. I mean she’s very attractive, Judith.
JEAN: She’s my daughter!
SANDY: Well, you don’t want him.
JEAN: Well, I didn’t say I did.
SANDY: Anyway, you’ve go Alistair.
JEAN: Look, if you go on this way those places I said you’re going to, will be out of the door and on to the end of a dole queue.
JUDITH: So you want one word to describe your ex-wife?
JUDITH: What about winsome.
LIONEL: No. I would never describe Margaret as winsome.
LIONEL: No, that would be entering the realms of fantasy.
LIONEL: Let me think for a moment.
JUDITH: You’ve got it.
LIONEL: I’ve got cramp.
JUDITH: Oh, where?
LIONEL: In my neck, where do you think?
JUDITH: Here, let me have a go.
LIONEL: No, no, that won’t be necessary, honestly…
LIONEL: Yeah. Oh.
JUDITH: Easing off?
LIONEL: A little.
HOTEL Staff: Coffee and biscuits for two…Oh, sorry.
JUDITH: It’s cramp.
HOTEL STAFF: I see.
LIONEL: Well, just put the tray down, will you?
HOTEL STAFF: There is a lock on the door.
JUDITH: Bang goes your reputation.
LIONEL: I don’t have one. When she came in yesterday, I was on the floor with Sandy.
JUDITH: Oh yes, doing what?
LIONEL: Picking up papers. That’s fine. Thank you.
JUDITH: You got cramp the first time we went out, do you remember?
LIONEL: So I did. Of course, I didn’t know you were Jean’s daughter then.
JUDITH: What if you had known?
JUDITH: Would you have still tried to seduce me?
LIONEL: I don’t think this is a conversation we should persist with.
LIONEL: Well, it was all very clumsy on my part.
JUDITH: No, it wasn’t.
LIONEL: Look, I know when I’m being clumsy, and would you please not kneel there like that? And don’t say, ‘Like what?’
LIONEL: Yes, please.
JUDITH: Alistair’s clumsy.
LIONEL: I thought you like him?
JUDITH: Yes, I like him, but he’s very young.
LIONEL: He’s about your age.
JUDITH: Well, he’s young for me then. Would you like a biscuit?
JEAN: What’s going on?
SANDY: It’s a gorilla.
JEAN: I’ll only ask you once more.
SANDY: It’s a gorillagram.
JEAN: Oh, childish. Is it your birthday?
SANDY: No. He wants you.
JEAN: Well, that’s absurd. Send him away.
SANDY: I’m only little.
JEAN: Sandy! Can I help you? What?
GORILLAGRAM: You’re supposed to scream.
JEAN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GORILLAGRAM: You’re supposed to scream.
JEAN: Take the head off. Take your head off.
GORILLAGRAM: You’re supposed scream.
JEAN: Oh. Ahh! Now goodbye.
GORILLAGRAM: You didn’t sound very frightened.
JEAN: Well, I can’t be really, can I?
GORILLAGRAM: I knew I shouldn’t have taken my head off. We’re not even supposed to speak actually.
JEAN: What are you supposed to do?
GORILLAGRAM: Well, roar, and make you scream. Then I’m supposed to throw you over my shoulder and sort of run about generally.
JEAN: You won’t be trying that, will you?
GORILLAGRAM: No, no, no. It’s all gone a bit flat now.
JEAN: It hasn’t gone flat. It started flat. Who sent you?
GORILLAGRAM: I’ve got a message.
JEAN: I thought you weren’t supposed to speak?
GORILLAGRAM: A written one. It’s in a little pocket. It’s not easy with these big hands, I keep telling them.
JEAN: Well, point to it. Would you like to sit down?
GORILLAGRAM: No, thanks. It’s hard getting up again.
JEAN: Oh, I might have known.
GORILLAGRAM: Is that it?
JEAN: Well, unless you’d like a banana.
GORILLAGRAM: You won’t be complaining, will you?
JEAN: Oh no, I thought you were really good, really convincing.
GORILLAGRAM: You wouldn’t like a quick whiz round on my shoulder just to say you’ve had the experience?
JEAN: Oh, no thank you.
GORILLAGRAM: I could just run around in here, I’m very careful with skirts.
JEAN: No, thank you.
GORILLAGRAM: It would make me feel better.
JEAN: Yes, I’d like you to feel better, but not that badly.
GORILLAGRAM: No, back to base then.
JEAN: Well, how do you do that?
GORILLAGRAM: On the tube. We’re only in North Ken. God, it gets hot down there.
JEAN: You don’t have to keep the head on?
GORILLAGRAM: Oh, yes. I don’t want to be recognized you see. I mean, pretending to be a gorilla…I’m not very proud of it. They’re noble creatures.
SANDY: Well, that was all very quiet.
JEAN: Put our friend in a taxi, on our account.
GORILLAGRAM: Well, that’s very nice of you, very nice.
JEAN: Well, as you say, they’re noble creatures.
ALISTAIR: Ta-dah! Monster! So how did you like it?
JEAN: I don’t think I’ve had as much pleasure since I broke my arm fifteen years ago.
ALISTAIR: Oh, now what sort of attitude is that?
JEAN: It’s called sanity. Alistair, I’m too old for a gorillagram!
ALISTAIR: Rubbish. That’s what I was trying to say. Any man with any sense would love to throw you over his shoulder, rampage off into the jungle, throw you down on some soft grasses…
JEAN: You’re getting carried away.
ALISTAIR: I know. That’s the effect you have on me.
JEAN: Alistair, it’s a fantasy.
ALISTAIR: Let’s go to Morocco.
JEAN: Certainly not.
JEAN: You saw me this morning.
ALISTAIR: Oh, yes?
JEAN: A mess.
ALISTAIR: No. Beautifully rumpled from sleep. Still warm. I bet your sheets were still warm.
JEAN: Oh, Alistair, this has got to stop.
ALISTAIR: Say yes then.
JEAN: To what?
ALISTAIR: Morocco. Brazil. Middlesbrough?
LIONEL: Thanks for coming.
JEAN: I’m very busy. What’s so urgent?
LIONEL: Would you like a drink?
JEAN: No thanks. What’s so urgent?
LIONEL: Sandy isn’t ill at all, you know.
JEAN: Oh, I know. She’s been driving me mad all morning.
LIONEL: Why didn’t you send her over then?
JEAN: Well, I didn’t want to make Judith look foolish, I mean, any more foolish.
LIONEL: You know then?
JEAN: About you being gorgeous? Oh, yes.
LIONEL: She’s got a screw loose.
JEAN: Yes, that’s what I said.
LIONEL: It hasn’t been easy in the Anson Suite. What’s funny about that?
JEAN: I don’t know. It’s one of those deathless phrases isn’t it? It hasn’t been easy in the Anson Suite.
LIONEL: Well it hasn’t. The conversation keeps getting shifted around. Even cramp emerges as a positive virtue. And that skirt doesn’t help. I swear it’s got shorter as the morning’s gone on.
JEAN: Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed?
LIONEL: Well, look at it from my point of view. It isn’t every day I’m faced with acres of leg, attached to a very attractive body, attached to a face which is actually giving me that come on.
JEAN: No, I suppose not.
LIONEL: I know not.
JEAN: She’s not upstairs in your room, is she, slipping into something uncomfortable?
LIONEL: You don’t think I’d be sitting down here if she was, do you?
JEAN: The way you’re talking, no, I don’t.
LIONEL: I didn’t mean that. I’ve sent her out for something I don’t need so that I could talk to you.
JEAN: I don’t see what I can do about it.
LIONEL: Well, you’re her mother.
JEAN: Well, that makes me the last person she’ll listen to. What if I weren’t her mother?
LIONEL: I’d be praying that I’d live up to her expectations. Well, you did ask.
JEAN: You’re flattered.
LIONEL: All right, I’m flattered. You’re flattered by Alistair’s juvenile attentions.
JEAN: Oh, don’t be absurd.
LIONEL: Oh, I see. It’s one of those conversations where I’m supposed to be totally honest and you’re allowed o lie your head off?
JEAN: Oh, all right then, I am flattered.
LIONEL: So we’re both flattered?
JEAN: Yes. Perhaps we should retire to a home for the flattered.
LIONEL: A home for the aged flattered.
JEAN: Alistair send me a gorillagram this morning.
LIONEL: And I accused him of being juvenile.
JEAN: Fortunately, the gorilla’s heart wasn’t in it. Otherwise…
LIONEL: Up and down the High Street?
JEAN: Yes, something like that.
LIONEL: I heard about the band.
JEAN: Oh, they weren’t bad. Just early. But a gorillagram.
LIONEL: You said you were flattered.
JEAN: Well, I am by the attention, but not by the way Alistair chooses to express it. Then he ask me to go to Morocco.
LIONEL: If you want to make a fool of yourself, just go ahead and do it.
JEAN: Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it isn’t 1953 anymore. If an older woman wants to have a young boyfriend, she can these days.
LIONEL: You call them toy-boys don’t you?
JEAN: Oh, don’t look so smug. There’s no difference between that and an old man having a young girlfriend.
LIONEL: How come you’re an older woman and I’m an old man?
JEAN: All right, older, older. There’s still no difference.
LIONEL: Of course, there is.
LIONEL: Well, it’s more traditional.
JEAN: We’re not talking about trooping the color.
LIONEL: Acceptable then.
JEAN: To whom? Men?
LIONEL: You never used to talk like this.
JEAN: Well, I was young then. If I’d wanted to have a young boyfriend then, he’s have bene in short trousers. I’d have had to take him to the zoo and buy him sweets.
LIONEL: So, you do like the idea of a younger boyfriend then?
JEAN: No…Well I don't know. Do you know?
LIONEL: I don’t know anything about you these days.
JEAN: Not me. You.
LIONEL: Oh. I want Sandy back.
JEAN: Well, I don’t see how that would help. Not in your present Monarch of the Glen mood. She’s a very sexy girl.
LIONEL: I’m sure she is. But she sees what she sees, not what she wants to see.
JEAN: I suppose Alistair sees what he wants to see.
LIONEL: Are you all right?
JEAN: Oh, it’s my back.
LIONEL: It’s rather funny really. You get back ache, I get cramp; and here we are, a couple of sex symbols.
JEAN: Have we had a reply?
JEAN: Well, it’s no good them sending us faxes if the faxes are unintelligible.
SANDY: Guess who?
JEAN: Oh! Who let him in?
SANDY: I did.
JEAN: You’re supposed to protect me.
SANDY: I’m not a bodyguard. Anyway, he’s very persuasive.
JEAN: Oh, he’s a pain.
SANDY: Oh, he’s got a lovely smile.
JEAN: I’m going home.
JEAN: Better locks on the doors.
SANDY: You’d better be quick.
JEAN: I’m busy.
ALISTAIR: You think I’m not? You don’t think I don’t have a publishing company to run? The difference is I don’t care!
JEAN: No. the difference is you’re wealthy enough not to have to.
ALISTAIR: I’ve got a great idea.
JEAN: Look, if it involves gallons or musicians or gorillagrams, I don’t want to know.
ALISTAIR: What about a picnic on Sunday?
JEAN: Where? The slopes of Mount Fujiyama?
ALISTAIR: If you like.
JEAN: I haven’t got time.
ALISTAIR: Actually, I was thinking more of Richmond. By the river. Please.
JEAN: All right.
ALISTAIR: You’ve cracked.
JEAN: No, I haven’t, there’s a condition.
JEAN: If I say yes to the picnic, will you stop pestering me for a week?
ALISTAIR: If that’s what you want.
JEAN: I’ve just said it’s what I want.
ALISTAIR: After the picnic I mean.
JEAN: You’re very confident.
ALISTAIR: Yes, I am. I can remember when I was about six months old, and I remember looking up in my little mirror with the red and yellow breads on it, and I remember saying to myself, “face it, Alistair Deacon, you have a lot to be confident about.” I love it when you laugh.
JEAN: Don’t get used to it. There’s another condition.
JEAN: I know.
ALISTAIR: So, it’s not a physical one is it?
ALISTAIR: That’s a relief. Go on.
LIONEL: A picnic? It’s all wet grass and wasps. All right, dry grass and wasps. Yes, but why? Will you stop doing that? No, it’s Judith. She’s distracting me. Your mother says, “Act your age.”
JUDY: Hmm, that’s rich.
LIONEL: She said, “That’s rich.” Yes, I know I know go on. Are you sure? All right, I’ll ask.
JUDY: Was that mum checking up?
JUDY: Who’s going on a picnic?
LIONEL: Um, your mother and Alistair.
JUDY: Oh, well, well.
LIONEL: Look, um…Would you…Would you like to go on a picnic?
JUDY: Who with?
LIONEL: You can think about it if you like.
JUDY: No, I don’t need to. Where shall we go?
LIONEL: Er…Well the same place as them, I suppose.
JUDY: You mean it’s the four of us.
LIONEL: Well…Em…More or less. Yes.
LIONEL: Well, think of it as, er, two couples.
JUDY: Ah, gotcha.
LIONEL: And will you stop doing that?
LIONEL: It’s like a bad plot for a restoration comedy.
JEAN: No, it isn’t. Look, the four of us get thrown together. Judy and Alistair look at each other, the scales drop form their eyes, they walk off hand in hand, and we get some peace.
LIONEL: What happened to the toy-boy idea?
JEAN: Well, that only works as a theory when Alistair isn’t actually there.
LIONEL: A silly theory.
JEAN: Of course, when he is there…
LIONEL: Why say it then?
JEAN: Well, he is very personable.
LIONEL: Not an adjective I’d use.
JEAN: You’re not a woman.
LIONEL: So, what you’re actually saying is that when he’s around, you go all gooey.
JEAN: That’s not an adjective I’d use.
JEAN: Look, you positively preen when Judith so much as wrinkles her nose at you.
LIONEL: I’ve never preened in my life. But I’ll just say this. This plan of your might come unstuck. And I’m not being immodest, but Judith is fairly struck.
JEAN: So is Alistair. Very, very, very struck.
LIONEL: We’re doing it again, aren’t we?
JEAN: Yes, we are. Trying to snatch a drink at the Fountain of Youth.
LIONEL: I got cramp again the other day.
JEAN: What, reaching for the fountain?
LIONEL: Reaching for a pencil.
LIONEL: How’s the backache?
JEAN: Oh, it’s gone and it hasn’t come back.
JEAN: Thank you.
LIONEL: Well, this picnic, it’s worth a go, I suppose.
JEAN: Well, of course, it is. What else would you be doing on a Sunday afternoon if you weren’t on a picnic?
LIONEL: I don’t know. Trying to stay awake while ‘Rugby Special’ is on BBC2, I suppose. What would you be doing?
JEAN: Nodding off while ‘Rugby Special’ is on.
LIONEL: Makes you sleepy even thinking about it, doesn’t it?
JEAN: Yes, it does.
JUDY: Is it warm enough for a bikini?
LIONEL: Why not?
JEAN: Oh, no.
LIONEL: Well, it’s a lovely day.
ALISTAIR: Are you all right, Li?
LIONEL: I’m fine.
ALISTAIR: Want to rest for a bit?
LIONEL: I’m fine. I’m fine.
JEAN: Poor, old Lionel.
JUDY: There’s more to a man than carrying a picnic hamper. There! There’s a good spot!
ALISTAIR: Brilliant! Set her down, Li. Are you sure you’re all right, mate? You’ve gone a funny color.
LIONEL: It’s sheer exhilaration.
JUDY: Are you all right?
LIONEL: I’m just having a sit down.
ALISTAIR: Look out. Mud.
JEAN: Where? Where?
JEAN: Oh no, Alistair! Alistair! Put me down Alistair!
ALISTAIR: In a minute. In a minute.
JEAN: Oh, please Alistair, I feel silly.
ALISTAIR: Oh, you look absolutely wonderful.
LIONEL: Couldn’t make it.
JEAN: Are you feeling better?
LIONEL: I’m fine. I’m game for anything.
ALISTAIR: Yours, Li!
LIONEL: I wasn’t ready.
JUDY: Stay there. I’ll get it. Mum!
ALISTAIR: Stay there. I’ll get it.
JEAN: They’re getting on well.
LIONEL: I wouldn’t call playing with that stupid thing a burgeoning romance.
JEAN: You’re only miffed because you couldn’t catch it.
LIONEL: Your display wasn’t outstandingly athletic.
JEAN: I caught more than you.
LIONEL: Only because Alistair threw you soft ones.
JEAN: Oh look, they’re talking.
LIONEL: He’s probably proposing.
JUDY: God, I’m hot.
ALISTAIR: Good idea. Let’s eat. Eh, voila.
ALISTAIR: Why don’t we go for a stroll?
JEAN: Can we let the lunch go down first?
JUDY: Shall we go for a stroll?
LIONEL: Perhaps its the wine, but this grass has finally got comfortable.
JEAN: Why don’t you two go for a stroll?
JUDY: No, I’m all right.
ALISTAIR: I’ve got some badminton gear in the car. We could set that up.
JUDY: What a good idea.
JEAN: How’s your badminton?
LIONEL: Rustyish. Yours?
LIONEL: Did we ever go on a picnic?
JEAN: Yes. You brought a bottle of cider. I made some peat paste sandwiches and we bought a couple of rock cakes from a shop.
LIONEL: Sophisticates. We didn’t tear about like those two, did we?
JEAN: We couldn’t. The field was full of cow-pats.
ALISTAIR: I wanted to ask you something.
ALISTAIR: Well, it’s about your mum. You don’t mind, do you?
JUDY: No, I think she’s quite nice really.
ALISTAIR: You know what I mean.
JUDY: Why should I mind?
ALISTAIR: Well, I am a good deal younger than she is. I wouldn’t like you to think that I’m just…Well, seeking a new experience.
JUDY: I don’t believe age matters. I think Lionel’s gorgeous.
ALISTAIR: Good. Do you think we could contrive to split this afternoon?
JUDY: My thoughts exactly.
ALISTAIR: Let’s do it.
JUDY: Let’s do it. Oh.
JUDY: He looks older.
ALISTAIR: Jean doesn’t. Shall we go for a stroll?
JUDY: Might as well.
LIONEL: Oh, bloody stuff.
JEAN: Oh, come here. Ohh.
LIONEL: Thanks. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.
JEAN: Neither did I. They’ve gone. My plan must have worked.
LIONEL: I suppose watching people sleep has it’s natural time span as a spectator sport. Badminton?
JEAN: Oh, no thanks. I wonder what they’re doing?
LIONEL: Probably discussing whether to inject us with monkey glands.
LIONEL: Whichever way you look at it, we played games with the children and flaked out. We shouldn’t be playing games of any sort.
JEAN: You’re right.
LIONEL: We’re just a couple of wrinklies.
JEAN: I prefer to call them laughter lines.
LIONEL: Well, so do I, but when you’ve got them all over your body as well, it’s hard to justify.
JEAN: Well, we can see we laughed all over. If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk. But I’m glad you’re back in my life. You are back in my life again, aren’t you?
LIONEL: I seem to be, yes.
JEAN: It’s nice to have a friend.
LIONEL: Yes. It’s nice to have a friend.
JEAN: What are you doing?
LIONEL: I’m giving you a friendly kiss.
LIONEL: Oh, damn and blast.
JEAN: What now?
LIONEL: I need a pee.
JEAN: Go on then.